Diary - My friend told me that her mum can see

M

Maybo

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Feb 23, 2017
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This is an entry from my diary. Please check it and correct any mistakes.

My friend told me that her mum can see ghosts. She recently shared a paranormal experience that had happened in her mum’s childhood. Many years ago, some schools in Hong Kong were built on the roof of a building. Her mum’s school was one of them. On the first day of the school, she saw a woman with a burnt face standing at a corner. One of her classmates saw it too and cried but she probably hadn’t known what it was. That’s scary! I didn’t dare to ask whether they saw it everyday.
 
The second sentence is not terrible, but I don't know why you have "had" there.

Were those schools all built on the roof of the same building?

The woman with a burn on her face was standing in a corner. (Not at a corner.)

She didn't know what it was.

**every day
 
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Maybo said:
My friend told me that her mum can see ghosts. She recently shared a paranormal experience that had happened in her mum’s childhood. Many years ago, some schools in Hong Kong were built on the roof of another building. Her mum’s school was one of them. On the her first day of the school, she saw a woman with a burnt face standing at in a corner. One of her classmates saw it too and cried but she probably hadn’t known didn't what it was. That’s scary! I didn’t dare to ask whether they saw it every day.
Click to expand...
I don't see how it's relevant that her mum's school was one of the ones built on top of another building. Why did you include it?
By the way, that's how I'd put it - "on top of another building", rather than "on the roof of another building".
 
emsr2d2 said:
I don't see how it's relevant that her mum's school was one of the ones built on top of another building. Why did you include it?
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It’s because her mom had classes on the top of a building so she saw the ghost there. If I hadn’t explained the school were on the top of a building, people might have thought that her mum went to a typical school and why she went to the top of the building.
 
Tarheel said:
Were those schools all built on the roof of the same building?
Click to expand...
No. Different schools were built on different buildings.
 
Maybo said:
It’s because her mom had classes on the top of a building so she saw the ghost there. If I hadn’t explained THAT the school WAS on the top of a building, people might have thought that her mum went to a typical school and NOT ONE top of A building.
Click to expand...
 
Maybo said:
It’s because her mom had classes on the top of a building so she saw the ghost there. If I hadn’t explained the school were on the top of a building, people might have thought that her mum went to a typical school and why she went to the top of the building.
Click to expand...
Sorry, but that still doesn't make it relevant to the story you told. At no point did you say that her mum had gone "to the top of the building". You mentioned only "a corner". I can't see how it matters at all where the school was. The following points are relevant to the story:
1. Your friend's mum can see ghosts (or, at least, she once saw one).
2. She first saw a ghost at school.
3. Another child saw it too but didn't know what it was.
4. You don't know if they ever saw it again because you're too afraid to ask.

Here's your story in a nutshell (and how I would tell it).

One of my friends told me that her mum can see ghosts. Apparently, on her first day of school, she saw a woman with a burnt face standing in the corner of the classroom. Another child saw it too and it made her cry but she [probably] didn't know what it was. I don't know if they ever saw it again - I'm too scared to ask!

Can you see how the story is the same despite there being no mention of the fact that the school was on top of another building?
 
emsr2d2 said:
At no point did you say that her mum had gone "to the top of the building".
Click to expand...
I did mention: Many years ago, some schools in Hong Kong were built on the roof of a building. Her mum’s school was one of them. (It implied that when she had classes, she needed to go to the roof)
I only mentioned "corner" in that sentence because in the previous sentence I already mentioned the roof was school, so that I didn't need to say "the corner of the roof" because they went to the roof to have classes.

Technically they didn't have a classroom. Where they had classes was not a classroom. They had classes on the roof with a small room on the top of the building.

Here is the picture:
OurChinaStory-HongKong-RooftopSchool4_x1.jpgsource: Link
If I say a classroom, people may expect that it was a typical one with ceiling, but the ghost was on the roof of the building (not in a room), where they had classes.

Also, I included the roof because that was the whole story my friend told me.
 
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Classes were held on the roof of a building - Those classes took place on the roof of one particular building.

Classes were held on the roofs of buildings - Classes took place on the roofs of several buildings.

There was no roof over their heads. What did they do when it rained? Or snowed?

I don't know if "corner" applies here, but I suppose it can be used.
 
I did mention it.

When she had class she had to go to the roof.

To attend class she had to go to the roof.
 
Tarheel said:
There was no roof over their heads. What did they do when it rained? Or snowed?
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I don’t know. Maybe stayed at the small room at the back and waited.
 
Maybo said:
I did mention it: "Many years ago, some schools in Hong Kong were built on the roof of a building. Her mum’s school was one of them."
(It implied that when she had classes, she needed to go to the roof.)
Click to expand...
It didn't imply that at all. I thought the "school on the roof" example was like the buildings at the back of the first photo - enclosed spaces which have clearly been built on top of another building.

Maybo said:
I only mentioned "corner" in that sentence because in the previous sentence I already mentioned the roof was school, so that I didn't need to say "the corner of the roof" because they went to the roof to have classes.
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No, you didn't say the roof was school. You said that her school was built on the roof of another building. The use of "built" suggests that the school was a building in its own right and that it just happened to be on top of another building.
Since it wasn't clear that the classes were held on a roof, it also wasn't clear that you meant "the corner of the roof".

Maybo said:
Technically they didn't have a classroom. Where they had classes was not a classroom. They had classes outdoors/in the open air on the roof with and there was a small separate room on the top of the building.

Here is the picture:
View attachment 5998source: Link
Click to expand...
This is not at all what I imagined after the first post and first picture. You can't refer to that setup as having been "built".

Maybo said:
If I say it was a classroom, people may expect might think that it was a typical one with a ceiling, but the ghost was on the roof of the building (not in a room), where they had classes.
Click to expand...
Yes, that's fair. I guessed at the corner of a classroom because you said she was in a school (that had been built on top of another building). I hope you can see why I assumed that they were in a traditional classroom, with walls and a ceiling.

Maybo said:
Also, I included the roof because that was the whole story my friend told me.
Click to expand...
I agree that the roof is now relevant but you need to remove any mention of her mum's "school" being "built". To make it clear, say that her classes were held outdoors, on the roof of another building.
 
Well, now we know you don't need "another" because the classes weren't held in a building at all. I'm sure they got plenty of fresh air. 😊
 
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